Lettuce Rap About Lettuce

I think that's called a pun.

Anyways, one of my favorite foods is bread. I love all kinds of bread, except rye bread is kind of gross unless it's toasted. Since I love bread so much, I eat a lot of sandwiches!

AND I MEAN A LOT OF SANDWICHES!!

Since I work in a bakery, there's bread EVERYWHERE, but I'm not allowed to eat it and it drives me nuts! And I do mean crazy. So when I want bread, to make a sandwich with, I have to go somewhere else.

There's a deli not far from where I work that makes really great sandwiches, and they even use OUR BREAD. So it's like getting our bread free, but I have to pay for the sandwiches. So it's not free. I pay for the bread.

BUT THE BREAD WE MAKE IS DELICIOUS!!

Anyway, the sandwiches I eat.

They always put shredded lettuce on the sandwiches, but there's always SO MUCH I end up picking the lettuce off. Too much lettuce is a bad thing, but just enough lettuce is perrrrrfect. But you have to be careful about what pieces of lettuce you take off! You could be MISSING OUT!

The worst thing about lettuce is there are good pieces of lettuce and bad pieces of lettuce. Making a good sandwich is impossible if you don't realize this! Especially if there are tomatoes on the sandwich!

Tomatoes are juicy, you see, and if you get thin, weak lettuce, the lettuce gets all wet and sticks to your lips like paper. What if some pretty girl comes up to you while you're eating that sandwich and you got lettuce on your lip! No way, man! She doesn't want any of that! She'll say "I wanted to go on a date with that boy until I saw him with that lettuce on his lip! What if I kissed him!?"

"Ew gross!"

GIRLS WILL NOT KISS YOU IF YOU HAVE WET TOMATOEY LETTUCE ON YOUR LIP

The trick is, when you take lettuce off your sandwich because there's too much, to get the thick pieces of lettuce on there and take the think lettuce OFF. The thick pieces are always down by the bottom of the head of lettuce. By the root! The root is where it's at!

Down by the root, the lettuce isn't as pretty. It's all white and kind of sick looking, but it's CRUNCHY. And when you bite into that CRRRUNCH you'll know you made a good decision in sorting your shredded lettuce, let me just say right here and now!

I tell the people at that deli, "Give me the good stuff! The lettuce by the root!" and they tell me it's all mixed up and it'd be impossible to sort it all out. This is terrible news. They could be losing business!! When they cut the lettuce, they should cut the good stuff and keep it apart! Throw the weak stuff away. It may be a waste of lettuce, but who wants that gross weak stuff anyway?

Now, another place I go to puts whole leaves of lettuce on the sandwiches. This, too, is a terrible mistake!

Say you don't bite all the way through that lettuce leaf. Just imagine! You'd pull back with your bite of sandwich and it'd DRAG ALL THE TOMATOES AND PICKLES OFF RIGHT IN YOUR LAP!

Then you're sitting there all covered in mustard and vegetables with a sandwich in your hand, looking dumb with your mouth full and a big leaf of lettuce hanging out of your mouth. That same pretty girl comes by and sees you and she doesn't even get grossed out! She just cracks up fit to bust and points at you, then all the other cute girls start laughing, and suddenly you're on the front page of the paper looking like you were hit with a SANDWICH BOMB.

The headline reads:

"DUMB GUY CAN'T EAT SANDWICH!"

So just remember, when you're eating lettuce, be selective and be careful!

NO GIRLS WANT TO GO OUT WITH A GUY WHO WILL JUST EAT ANY LETTUCE