I think that's called a pun.
Anyways, one of my favorite foods is bread. I love all kinds of bread, except rye bread is kind of gross unless it's toasted. Since I love bread so much, I eat a lot of sandwiches!
AND I MEAN A LOT OF SANDWICHES!!
Since I work in a bakery, there's bread EVERYWHERE, but I'm not allowed to eat it and it drives me nuts! And I do mean crazy. So when I want bread, to make a sandwich with, I have to go somewhere else.
There's a deli not far from where I work that makes really great sandwiches, and they even use OUR BREAD. So it's like getting our bread free, but I have to pay for the sandwiches. So it's not free. I pay for the bread.
BUT THE BREAD WE MAKE IS DELICIOUS!!
Anyway, the sandwiches I eat.
They always put shredded lettuce on the sandwiches, but there's always SO MUCH I end up picking the lettuce off. Too much lettuce is a bad thing, but just enough lettuce is perrrrrfect. But you have to be careful about what pieces of lettuce you take off! You could be MISSING OUT!
The worst thing about lettuce is there are good pieces of lettuce and bad pieces of lettuce. Making a good sandwich is impossible if you don't realize this! Especially if there are tomatoes on the sandwich!
Tomatoes are juicy, you see, and if you get thin, weak lettuce, the lettuce gets all wet and sticks to your lips like paper. What if some pretty girl comes up to you while you're eating that sandwich and you got lettuce on your lip! No way, man! She doesn't want any of that! She'll say "I wanted to go on a date with that boy until I saw him with that lettuce on his lip! What if I kissed him!?"
"Ew gross!"
GIRLS WILL NOT KISS YOU IF YOU HAVE WET TOMATOEY LETTUCE ON YOUR LIP
The trick is, when you take lettuce off your sandwich because there's too much, to get the thick pieces of lettuce on there and take the think lettuce OFF. The thick pieces are always down by the bottom of the head of lettuce. By the root! The root is where it's at!
Down by the root, the lettuce isn't as pretty. It's all white and kind of sick looking, but it's CRUNCHY. And when you bite into that CRRRUNCH you'll know you made a good decision in sorting your shredded lettuce, let me just say right here and now!
I tell the people at that deli, "Give me the good stuff! The lettuce by the root!" and they tell me it's all mixed up and it'd be impossible to sort it all out. This is terrible news. They could be losing business!! When they cut the lettuce, they should cut the good stuff and keep it apart! Throw the weak stuff away. It may be a waste of lettuce, but who wants that gross weak stuff anyway?
Now, another place I go to puts whole leaves of lettuce on the sandwiches. This, too, is a terrible mistake!
Say you don't bite all the way through that lettuce leaf. Just imagine! You'd pull back with your bite of sandwich and it'd DRAG ALL THE TOMATOES AND PICKLES OFF RIGHT IN YOUR LAP!
Then you're sitting there all covered in mustard and vegetables with a sandwich in your hand, looking dumb with your mouth full and a big leaf of lettuce hanging out of your mouth. That same pretty girl comes by and sees you and she doesn't even get grossed out! She just cracks up fit to bust and points at you, then all the other cute girls start laughing, and suddenly you're on the front page of the paper looking like you were hit with a SANDWICH BOMB.
The headline reads:
"DUMB GUY CAN'T EAT SANDWICH!"
So just remember, when you're eating lettuce, be selective and be careful!
NO GIRLS WANT TO GO OUT WITH A GUY WHO WILL JUST EAT ANY LETTUCE
Saturday, April 21, 2007
Sunday, April 15, 2007
HAIRCUT CITY
The owner of the bakery told me I had to get a haircut. I don't have a camera, so I asked my friend Samuel K to draw it for me. This is what I looked like before:
I had really long hair a long time ago, so I cut like, one side, but not all the way down, and then I realized cutting your hair by yourself is hard and I had to quit, but then somebody told me it looked like a mullet and mullets are gross, so I made Enid cut it for me last night. She's good at things like this. This is what it looks like now:
It's shorter and I have a little ponytail behind my ear like Obi-Wan in Star Wars Episode I. Sam forgot to draw it. That movie was crap, but his haircut was pretty cool. Do all Jedis get haircuts like that when they're learning how to be a Jedi?
I got that haircut because I'm a baker's apprentice. Not a Jedi's apprentice.
Today we got my car all fixed up. Chuck has AAA and this guy named ALVIN came out in a big truck with flashing lights and chains and stuff on the back. He filled up my tires and I was READY TO GO!
But this is the problem.
Who let the air out of my tires!?
A mystery is afoot!!
Hup ho!
Let's get down to business!
I had really long hair a long time ago, so I cut like, one side, but not all the way down, and then I realized cutting your hair by yourself is hard and I had to quit, but then somebody told me it looked like a mullet and mullets are gross, so I made Enid cut it for me last night. She's good at things like this. This is what it looks like now:
It's shorter and I have a little ponytail behind my ear like Obi-Wan in Star Wars Episode I. Sam forgot to draw it. That movie was crap, but his haircut was pretty cool. Do all Jedis get haircuts like that when they're learning how to be a Jedi?
I got that haircut because I'm a baker's apprentice. Not a Jedi's apprentice.
Today we got my car all fixed up. Chuck has AAA and this guy named ALVIN came out in a big truck with flashing lights and chains and stuff on the back. He filled up my tires and I was READY TO GO!
But this is the problem.
Who let the air out of my tires!?
A mystery is afoot!!
Hup ho!
Let's get down to business!
Saturday, April 14, 2007
Panhandling
Oh dear. I'm in such a pickle.
After I was short with Enid the other day, the wheels of fate turned on me! How could things get so bad? Oh, mercy!
I got off work yesterday and all the tires were out in my car! Out of air! They weren't out of the car! They were there, but they were empty!
But I guess they'd still be empty if there was air in them, because like, an empty jar still has air in it.
But there wasn't enough air!
So I couldn't drive it home. I always thought that like, I might be able to if I took the tires off and then put the car on a railroad track and let the rims run along the tracks like they were train wheels, but that would get me hit by a TRAIN and that would ruin my awesome car!!
DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO FIND WHITEWALL TIRES!?
I drive a 1957 Chevy Caprice that I bought from an old man who was dying. It was really sad, but he sold it to me for really cheap.
Anyways, so I had to walk home, but home is like... a long way! I couldn't walk! I could call a cab, but I have no money! My feet would get tired! So I had to come up with something fast.
"Think, Kojiro!" I said, "THINK!"
Then I had it. I once saw a man playing a guitar and getting change from passersby. They'd drop it in his guitar case and then he would say to them, "God bless, you, man."
I don't have a guitar, and even if I did, I can't play a guitar, so I decided to just walk and sing. The walking part was so when I got enough money, the cab wouldn't have to take me far.
I don't know many songs, so I was making my own up:
"Look out lady,
You're about to step in gum!
It could ruin your day
And make your foot stick to the sidewalk!"
And:
"I'm walking home
My tires are all flat.
My feet are so tired
Can I bum a ride?"
NOBODY EVEN LOOKED AT ME! I didn't get any change at all, except for a bottle cap I found on the ground that I thought was a quarter. But it was just from a beer bottle. So I guess I didn't get any change. I used the word "except" earlier. That word has an important meaning.
The closest I came to getting any attention or any change was from a dog. This old woman in a fur coat had this crazy looking, mean little dog that kept BARKING. So I started singing to the dog.
"Cheer up little puppy dog
Life's not so bad.
Put a smile on your face
But you don't have lips
So try your best!"
The dog just got mad and bit me on the hand and the lady drug the dog away.
I walked all day and finally got home HOURS later.
What a rotten day.
I'll never raise my voice to Enid again!
After I was short with Enid the other day, the wheels of fate turned on me! How could things get so bad? Oh, mercy!
I got off work yesterday and all the tires were out in my car! Out of air! They weren't out of the car! They were there, but they were empty!
But I guess they'd still be empty if there was air in them, because like, an empty jar still has air in it.
But there wasn't enough air!
So I couldn't drive it home. I always thought that like, I might be able to if I took the tires off and then put the car on a railroad track and let the rims run along the tracks like they were train wheels, but that would get me hit by a TRAIN and that would ruin my awesome car!!
DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO FIND WHITEWALL TIRES!?
I drive a 1957 Chevy Caprice that I bought from an old man who was dying. It was really sad, but he sold it to me for really cheap.
Anyways, so I had to walk home, but home is like... a long way! I couldn't walk! I could call a cab, but I have no money! My feet would get tired! So I had to come up with something fast.
"Think, Kojiro!" I said, "THINK!"
Then I had it. I once saw a man playing a guitar and getting change from passersby. They'd drop it in his guitar case and then he would say to them, "God bless, you, man."
I don't have a guitar, and even if I did, I can't play a guitar, so I decided to just walk and sing. The walking part was so when I got enough money, the cab wouldn't have to take me far.
I don't know many songs, so I was making my own up:
"Look out lady,
You're about to step in gum!
It could ruin your day
And make your foot stick to the sidewalk!"
And:
"I'm walking home
My tires are all flat.
My feet are so tired
Can I bum a ride?"
NOBODY EVEN LOOKED AT ME! I didn't get any change at all, except for a bottle cap I found on the ground that I thought was a quarter. But it was just from a beer bottle. So I guess I didn't get any change. I used the word "except" earlier. That word has an important meaning.
The closest I came to getting any attention or any change was from a dog. This old woman in a fur coat had this crazy looking, mean little dog that kept BARKING. So I started singing to the dog.
"Cheer up little puppy dog
Life's not so bad.
Put a smile on your face
But you don't have lips
So try your best!"
The dog just got mad and bit me on the hand and the lady drug the dog away.
I walked all day and finally got home HOURS later.
What a rotten day.
I'll never raise my voice to Enid again!
Thursday, April 12, 2007
I've Got a Crush on a Girl.
She came into the bakery yesterday. I was working the counter because Stuart was in the bathroom and Mr. Valenzetti was at the bank getting change because we were out of dimes because I took all the dimes to put in my piggy bank.
You can't put a 10 dollar bill in a piggy bank.
She smells like flowers. Lilacs, I think. I don't know anything about flowers, so it could have been like roses or daisies or something. Do daisies have a smell? I bet the smell like summertime. But then again, summertime smells like sunshine and daisies probably smell more like flowers than they do sunshine. I don't think she smells like roses, now that I think about it. Dandelions. Do they have a smell? Maybe she smells like dandelions do if they had a smell, but if they do have a smell, and she smells nothing like that, I think I'd be disappointed.
I smelled her before I saw her. Whatever it is that makes her smell like that, it's strong, but not like WAY strong. It's like, when you walk past a house with a lot of flowers planted out front. It like, hits your nose on the wind and you're like, "Wow! Flowers! Hot dog, that makes me feel good!" So it's not like a bad strong smell, but a good one. Totally different from when I met one of my sister's teachers in Iceland a couple years ago and she smelled like perfume WAY BAD. I was dying! "Come on, open a window or something! My eyes are watering!" but I don't think she knew what I was talking about, or else she did and was mad at me because she thought she smelled good. Her perfume didn't smell like flowers, though. It was more like chemicals and spices.
I think that particular teacher was a diabetic. She had this weird box under her shirt down clipped to her belt, but it could have been a pager or a cell phone instead of an insulin pump. She only spoke Icelandic, and I forget the Icelandic word for diabetes, so I just asked her if she was sick. She told me she was feeling fine and that my sister is REALLY SMART. Totally way smarter than other kids! Wow! Good job, Hotaru!
Woah, hang on. Sidetracked.
She had her hair pulled back in a ponytail and she smiled at me (The girl who came into the shop that I was talking about. Not my sister. My sister wears her hair down most of the time). She was wearing a t-shirt with the Batman logo on the chest, and that's cool because girls aren't supposed to like Batman. Girls like Wonder Woman or, I don't know, Superman or something. She had on jeans and she was carrying that old army backpack she's got.
I don't think she's in the army. She has asthma because I saw her use her inhaler once before coming into the bakery, and I don't think they let you in the army if you have asthma, but I could be wrong.
"Kojiro," she says, and my fingers go numb. That happens when I'm nervous sometimes. I'm nervous because she remembered my name! "Do you have any pumpkin bread?"
"I don't have any!" I told her, "But I made some this morning. I'm going to take some home with me when I leave, but I don't get off until four."
We make really good pumpkin bread.
She laughed, "No, I mean here. For sale."
"We have lots of pumpkin bread for sale, Ramona." Her name makes the rest of my hands go numb and I know I'm blushing.
I blush when I get nervous, too.
I sold her the bread and when I handed her change over, my fingers touched the palm of her hand and when I did I think she smiled! She smiled! She thanked me and left.
About that time, I realized Stuart was standing behind me.
Stuart likes to tease me because I've got the hots for Ramona a whole lot. I want to take her on a date.
"Do you want to take her on a date, Kojiro?" He's doing that creepy smile he does when he knows I've been talking to Ramona. "Did she give you a peck on the cheek? A little smooch on the cheek, yes?"
"Shut up, Stuart!" I tell him, "Shut up!"
"Oooh! She's your girlfriend isn't she? Isn't that what she does?"
"You're crazy, Stuart! You're crazy!"
Stuart teases me and talks in a high voice, and I ran off into the back to check on the doughnuts.
Stupid Stuart.
Stupid and Stuart have the same first three letters.
I just noticed that.
When I got home, Enid was doing the dishes and I tried to talk to her about how to ask a girl out, but she was talking to Chuck on her cell phone and wasn't listening to me.
"I've got a crush on a girl!" I yelled. "Hey, hey, can you hear me!?"
"I can hear you," Enid said, "But Kojiro is yelling and it's kind of hard to make out what you're saying.
"Tell Chuck to shut up a minute!"
"What, Chuck?"
"I give up! Here's some PUMPKIN BREAD!" and I dropped it on the counter and ran off to my room.
I doodled little pictures of me and Ramona in my diary. In one, she's kissing me on the cheek.
She's never kissed me on the cheek.
But I want her to.
Stuart was right.
Stupid Stuart.
You can't put a 10 dollar bill in a piggy bank.
She smells like flowers. Lilacs, I think. I don't know anything about flowers, so it could have been like roses or daisies or something. Do daisies have a smell? I bet the smell like summertime. But then again, summertime smells like sunshine and daisies probably smell more like flowers than they do sunshine. I don't think she smells like roses, now that I think about it. Dandelions. Do they have a smell? Maybe she smells like dandelions do if they had a smell, but if they do have a smell, and she smells nothing like that, I think I'd be disappointed.
I smelled her before I saw her. Whatever it is that makes her smell like that, it's strong, but not like WAY strong. It's like, when you walk past a house with a lot of flowers planted out front. It like, hits your nose on the wind and you're like, "Wow! Flowers! Hot dog, that makes me feel good!" So it's not like a bad strong smell, but a good one. Totally different from when I met one of my sister's teachers in Iceland a couple years ago and she smelled like perfume WAY BAD. I was dying! "Come on, open a window or something! My eyes are watering!" but I don't think she knew what I was talking about, or else she did and was mad at me because she thought she smelled good. Her perfume didn't smell like flowers, though. It was more like chemicals and spices.
I think that particular teacher was a diabetic. She had this weird box under her shirt down clipped to her belt, but it could have been a pager or a cell phone instead of an insulin pump. She only spoke Icelandic, and I forget the Icelandic word for diabetes, so I just asked her if she was sick. She told me she was feeling fine and that my sister is REALLY SMART. Totally way smarter than other kids! Wow! Good job, Hotaru!
Woah, hang on. Sidetracked.
She had her hair pulled back in a ponytail and she smiled at me (The girl who came into the shop that I was talking about. Not my sister. My sister wears her hair down most of the time). She was wearing a t-shirt with the Batman logo on the chest, and that's cool because girls aren't supposed to like Batman. Girls like Wonder Woman or, I don't know, Superman or something. She had on jeans and she was carrying that old army backpack she's got.
I don't think she's in the army. She has asthma because I saw her use her inhaler once before coming into the bakery, and I don't think they let you in the army if you have asthma, but I could be wrong.
"Kojiro," she says, and my fingers go numb. That happens when I'm nervous sometimes. I'm nervous because she remembered my name! "Do you have any pumpkin bread?"
"I don't have any!" I told her, "But I made some this morning. I'm going to take some home with me when I leave, but I don't get off until four."
We make really good pumpkin bread.
She laughed, "No, I mean here. For sale."
"We have lots of pumpkin bread for sale, Ramona." Her name makes the rest of my hands go numb and I know I'm blushing.
I blush when I get nervous, too.
I sold her the bread and when I handed her change over, my fingers touched the palm of her hand and when I did I think she smiled! She smiled! She thanked me and left.
About that time, I realized Stuart was standing behind me.
Stuart likes to tease me because I've got the hots for Ramona a whole lot. I want to take her on a date.
"Do you want to take her on a date, Kojiro?" He's doing that creepy smile he does when he knows I've been talking to Ramona. "Did she give you a peck on the cheek? A little smooch on the cheek, yes?"
"Shut up, Stuart!" I tell him, "Shut up!"
"Oooh! She's your girlfriend isn't she? Isn't that what she does?"
"You're crazy, Stuart! You're crazy!"
Stuart teases me and talks in a high voice, and I ran off into the back to check on the doughnuts.
Stupid Stuart.
Stupid and Stuart have the same first three letters.
I just noticed that.
When I got home, Enid was doing the dishes and I tried to talk to her about how to ask a girl out, but she was talking to Chuck on her cell phone and wasn't listening to me.
"I've got a crush on a girl!" I yelled. "Hey, hey, can you hear me!?"
"I can hear you," Enid said, "But Kojiro is yelling and it's kind of hard to make out what you're saying.
"Tell Chuck to shut up a minute!"
"What, Chuck?"
"I give up! Here's some PUMPKIN BREAD!" and I dropped it on the counter and ran off to my room.
I doodled little pictures of me and Ramona in my diary. In one, she's kissing me on the cheek.
She's never kissed me on the cheek.
But I want her to.
Stuart was right.
Stupid Stuart.
Monday, April 9, 2007
First Post!
I was pushed into starting my own blog, not only by my little sister, but also by my friend Samuel K.
Sam said to me, he said, "Kojiro, we've been friends for years, and everyone thinks I made you up because you never freaking do anything! Come on, start a blog so everybody will get off my back and stop calling me crazy!"
Sam's really weird and kind of fat and he makes drawings of me all the time. He also makes movies that I really like. I helped him write one of them, but I don't remember which one.
So here it is. A weblog.
My name is Kojiro Hideo Tanaka. I was born to Masaru Tanaka and Katrin Magnusson in Reykjavik, Iceland.
I'm 22 years old. My favorite foods are bread, hot dogs, and hot dogs buns, but only when there are hot dogs in them. I put mustards on my hot dogs. Different kinds of mustards. Spicy mustard, Dijon mustard, honey mustard.
Somtimes saurkraut, too! Can you believe it?
I live in Tulips, Ohio, which is a tiny, TINY little place. We don't even have a mall. The closest we have is a Wal Mart, and it's not even a Super Wal-Mart! The mayor of the town is also the sheriff and I think he's a mail man, too. I don't know his name, but I met him once at the 4th of July parade. He was dressed as Uncle Sam and had on a fake beard.
The beard was kind of dirty.
I live with my friends Enid and Chuck. They're in love.
Kissy-kissy love.
One time, I caught them making out on the couch and I was about fit to bust I was laughing so hard at them! They got really mad and threw the couch pillows at me, but I just kept on laughing!
Chuck and Enid sitting in a tree! You know what I mean.
Chuck is in a band called Lobstar. He's really good at playing the Fender Stratocaster, which is a kind of guitar. He has a red one, and I think that means it sounds better than a black one. Sometimes he makes me read his poetry and rock and roll song lyrics and I don't really get them. Most of his songs are about love or about Enid. It sounds good, though, when he sings the words and plays on his guitar.
Enid is some kind of hippie. She was in the PEACE CORPS but they kicked her out because she was colorblind or had asthma or something. She made me volunteer to deliver food to poor people last Thanksgiving. An old lady with like 40 cats gave us gingerbread man cookies. They didn't have any icing on them because she's poor, I guess. I think she was crazy. Enid only ate one, but I ate like 15 of them. They were really good.
I have a job at a bakery, which is where I met my best friend. His Stuart Lewis. Stuart looks way older than me, but he's not. He has long curly hair. Stuart teases me because I have a crush on this girl that comes into the bakery all the time.
"Is she your chippy, Kojiro? Your lovely little chip chip?"
"Shut up, Stuart!" I told him. "Shut up!"
Stuart is Canadian, I think.
So I guess that's it! Hey, what do you know! I have a blog now! Let's get it done! Isn't that what those bumper stickers say?
GET IT DONE
Sam said to me, he said, "Kojiro, we've been friends for years, and everyone thinks I made you up because you never freaking do anything! Come on, start a blog so everybody will get off my back and stop calling me crazy!"
Sam's really weird and kind of fat and he makes drawings of me all the time. He also makes movies that I really like. I helped him write one of them, but I don't remember which one.
So here it is. A weblog.
My name is Kojiro Hideo Tanaka. I was born to Masaru Tanaka and Katrin Magnusson in Reykjavik, Iceland.
I'm 22 years old. My favorite foods are bread, hot dogs, and hot dogs buns, but only when there are hot dogs in them. I put mustards on my hot dogs. Different kinds of mustards. Spicy mustard, Dijon mustard, honey mustard.
Somtimes saurkraut, too! Can you believe it?
I live in Tulips, Ohio, which is a tiny, TINY little place. We don't even have a mall. The closest we have is a Wal Mart, and it's not even a Super Wal-Mart! The mayor of the town is also the sheriff and I think he's a mail man, too. I don't know his name, but I met him once at the 4th of July parade. He was dressed as Uncle Sam and had on a fake beard.
The beard was kind of dirty.
I live with my friends Enid and Chuck. They're in love.
Kissy-kissy love.
One time, I caught them making out on the couch and I was about fit to bust I was laughing so hard at them! They got really mad and threw the couch pillows at me, but I just kept on laughing!
Chuck and Enid sitting in a tree! You know what I mean.
Chuck is in a band called Lobstar. He's really good at playing the Fender Stratocaster, which is a kind of guitar. He has a red one, and I think that means it sounds better than a black one. Sometimes he makes me read his poetry and rock and roll song lyrics and I don't really get them. Most of his songs are about love or about Enid. It sounds good, though, when he sings the words and plays on his guitar.
Enid is some kind of hippie. She was in the PEACE CORPS but they kicked her out because she was colorblind or had asthma or something. She made me volunteer to deliver food to poor people last Thanksgiving. An old lady with like 40 cats gave us gingerbread man cookies. They didn't have any icing on them because she's poor, I guess. I think she was crazy. Enid only ate one, but I ate like 15 of them. They were really good.
I have a job at a bakery, which is where I met my best friend. His Stuart Lewis. Stuart looks way older than me, but he's not. He has long curly hair. Stuart teases me because I have a crush on this girl that comes into the bakery all the time.
"Is she your chippy, Kojiro? Your lovely little chip chip?"
"Shut up, Stuart!" I told him. "Shut up!"
Stuart is Canadian, I think.
So I guess that's it! Hey, what do you know! I have a blog now! Let's get it done! Isn't that what those bumper stickers say?
GET IT DONE
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